2025 NFL PREDICTIONS

2025 NFL Predictions

Football. What a concept. It’s as American as apple pie, muscle cars, and baseball. Calls to mind the great old American mythos, the Tall Tales of the Old West. The wild and wooly west. Where the burgeoning American Empire created a shared lexicon of great stories. Wow, what a concept. Paul Bunyan, the biggest guy around. Daniel Boone, the most raccoon-hattedest guy around. Johnny Appleseed, the most planting-apple-trees-in-strangers’-yards-est guy around.

And unless your soul is a brick of shit and your heart is a urinal cake of cynicism, you love these old yarns. The story of John Henry stirs the human spirit. He hammered a hole through a mountain faster than a drill, or something. I don’t really remember. But it uplifts the soul. (John Henry, born with a hammer in his hand? His poor mother…)

Many of these tales are well-remembered, but I’d now like to highlight some of the lesser-known canards of the frontier. When a mythology develops, some of the tales get uplifted and become a part of the greater canon, and some of them slip through and are lost. Here are some of the lost characters from the ol’ pioneer days. Yee-haw, bitch!

John Cunningham and Peter Cleverpork: Circus men by trade. They went from town to town, offering the locals a rare glimpse at elephants, acrobats, and attractive women. Barnum and Bailey kind of ate their lunch, because Cunningham and Cleverpork didn’t actually charge money for tickets. The whole sceme was a loss-leader to try to sell an energy drink, and that concept wouldn’t become profitable for another 150 years. The drink, like many at the time, had cocaine in it.

Buford T. Cuttbutt: An outstanding whittler of twigs. He’d sit on his porch and carve various pieces of wood sometimes 15, 20 hours a day. He just wasn’t very good at it. This dedication is not impressive, and he is rightfully forgotten by time.

Jimmy Orangepeel: A Floridian foil to Johnny Appleseed. He traveled the frontier planting orange trees. He is not as fondly remembered, however, because he just kind of sucked. A real jerk, if we’re being honest. He’d ask to sleep on peoples’ couches and stuff, kind of unannounced, and then he would fart a lot and stink up the whole living room. Then he’d like, use their floss and just leave it on the bathroom counter. Who does that? Just put it in the garbage, Jimmy!

Aileen Wuornos: This rootin’-tootin’ cowgirl was a latecomer to the wild west story. She was a pistol, in more ways than one! A lady of the night that knew her way around a revolver, she is forever in the hearts of Old West enthusiasts.

Kieran, the Bard: An Irish immigrant, who escaped to the Great Plains from the xenophobic atmosphere that permeated New York in the pre-civil war era. He rode a slow-walking mule, and he was known for his beautiful voice. It sounded like honey pouring over ice. His most famous song was quite long, and the lyrics are as follows:

NFC WEST

LOS ANGELES CURLHORNS (4)
SEATTLE SPERMBIRDS
ARIZONA REDBIRDS
SAN FRAN SAUCEPANS

Matt Stafford is an old, tired man. He is fat. A frat bro finding that his weekends of kegstands and mealy-mouthed cigar puffing are catching up with him. However, the Samoan Sensation, Puka Nacua, and the Great Weasel, Davante Adams, will uplift him enough to win this division. Seattle has bought the Darnold ticket, and they are about to take the ride. Jaxson Smith-Njigba has about as many talents as consonants in his name. Arizona probably likes tiny Kyler Murray, even though he is 2 feet tall and sounds like the Looney Tunes cartoon character Taz. I don’t know. Their defense should be improved and they face a lot of putrid offenses, especially to start the year. A lot of people think San Fran is going to bounce back and be really good after injuries gullywumptered any scrancel they had last vuyeper. They just gave like a billion dollars to Brock Purdy. Y’know, that stupid little dork. The annoying neighbor kid who wants to play, but he insists he has to be the strongest person, or whatever. He sucks. Fuck him. Fuck San Fransisco, actually. A supposedly progressive city where the dirt-cheapest rent you can get is like $3200 a month. Eat shit. Wine-slurping NPR/Rachel Maddow fake progressives.

NFC SOUTH

TAMPON GAY FUCKIN’ QUEERS (3)
CAROLINA VAGINA (7)
BARBARA STREISAND
N’OWLEANS PO’BOYS

The Tampon Gay Fuckin’ Queers have quietly been one of the better teams in the NFL over the past few years. They went fully in on Tom Brady in his twilight, brought in all of his boyfs, like Gronk and Antonio Brown, and the murderers Aaron Hernandez and OJ Simpson. Remember that? That OJ Simpson was on the Super Bowl winning 2020 Tampon Gay Fuckin’ Queers team? Anyway, Mike Evans is a workhorse wide receiver that just doesn’t get enough respect. Carolina could be sneaky good. Bryce Evans was openly weeping on the field last year, because he was on such a shit team. Now, hopefully, he can redeem himself. He seemed to come alive little at the end, like when you flush a dead goldfish down the toilet and it’s morphology makes it appear to start swimming. Barbara Streisand has a like $40 million backup quarterback. Who came up with that? Some dummy? Some droopy-lipped sap whose intellectual peers are lizards and acorns? No matter. The Georgia Bulldogs are the official team of that state. N’Owleans is finally eating their vegetables. They kicked the can down the road for like 10 years, pushing money out into the future and imagining they were a playoff team. Knock knock, my name is Doctor Reality, and I’m here to punch your teeth into your throat. You can fill that prescription at the pain pharmacy. Okay, no, that last little bit strung the joke out too long. Focus.

NFC NORTH

GREEN BAY PACKERS (2)
MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN (5)
MOTOR CITY MADMEN
GRIZZLIES

The Green Bay Packers are going to be a very good team. After the Micah Parsons trade, fans other NFC North teams are rapidly crashing through the stages of grief. They are acting like Jordan Love is bad. They say we have a lot of money tied up in Love and Parsons. Yeah, a QB and an edge rusher. Y’know, the two most important positions. I’m ready for Jordan Love to just lay his balls all over the division. The Norsemen are starting a 12 year old kid at QB, I dunno. Andrew Van Ginkel was really good last year. Every game I watched he made a splash play. Motor City Madmen, you had your chance. You had your chance, and Eminem was in the press box throwing up middle fingers. You won 15 games and then shit all over yourselves in the playoffs. You got to taste what it’s like to be a good team. Now, sleep. You’ll always have those memories. Sleep now. The Grizzlies hired head coach Ben Johnson. This former Motor City Madmen offensive coordinator is supposedly this wunderkind, wiz-kid lock for coach of the year. My sources say he’s a swindler, only there to bilk the city out of millions of dollars and literal truckloads of hot dogs. I guess we’ll see.

NFC EAST

PHILLY VANILLY (1)
WASHINGTON TOILET SALAMANDERS (6)
NEW YORK BLUE PORK
DALLAS STAR

Jalen Hurts, in the locker room after a win: “Hey guys, maybe we should practice that tush push a little more.” Everybody else: “No, I think we got it.” Jalen Hurts: ” But what if you gotta push my buttcheeks just a little more? C’mon, let’s practice it. In the shower. What if it’s a rainy game?” “No, I don’t think we need to.” And then Jalen Hurts just starts grinding on his linemen. I mean, feel free I guess. I’m not a bigot. Washington shocked the world by advancing all the way to the NFC Championship last season. While I imagine that was more of a lucky streak anything else, they do strike me as a team that wins 9-10 games. Especially when they get to play New York Blue Pork and Dallas Star each twice. These last two teams are the Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumbfucks of the whole NFL. The Blue Pork did draft Abdul Carter at least, a defensive end to bolster an already fearsome front. Good luck getting anywhere with an offense lead by Russel Wilson and a bunch of mops wearing jerseys. Dallas, uff da. What is there to say? May the gods allow Jerry Jones to live forever. He’s just a prime example of how dumb billionaires can truly be. They are used to everyone treating them like they’re the smartest guy in every room they walk into because, hey, how could they not be? They’ve got a lot of money. We can all see he’s a very silly old man and that his diapey needs to be tended to, please, Cheryl. Thank you Cheryl.

AFC WEST

COLORADO BROWN COWS (3)
KANSAS CITY ARROWHEADS (6)
LAS VEGAS WHALES
LOS ANGELES BEEF ‘N BARLEY SOUPERS

I know what you’re thinking. How could the Kansas City Arrowheads not win the division? It won’t happen because of God. God loves us, and wants us to be happy. That, and Colorado’s quarterback, Bo Nix, in addition to having one of the shortest possible names, also has a lot of talent. He’s athletic, can make all the throws, and his decision-making seemed to get better and better as his rookie year went on. I expect the Brown Cows to just narrowly edge out KC for the division crown. Las Vegas did a pretty big overhaul of their team. Needed to. Last year they just forfeited their last three games because and released a statement that said “We all know how this is gonna go right?” However, they have brought in former Seattle Head Coach, Joe Biden, to run the squad. Their highly-drafted rookie runningback Ashton Jeanty better get a sponsorship with a jeans company, or I don’t know what the FUCK the world is coming to. Color me unimpressed with the LABNBS team. Seems like a lot of analysts are pretty high on them each year, just like I’m high on ketamine every day. Hell yeah. It’s party time.

AFC SOUTH

TENERSEE TARTANS (4)
HOUSTON JUICE ‘N GIN (7)
JAX FAX
INDIANA: A PLACE FOR COLTS

In another unexpected outcome, Tenersee manages to steal the division from back to back winner Houston. A surprise usurpation, surely, a suspiciously succinct undulation of Tenersee from obsequiously supine in subterranean surroundings to ultimately superior purlieus. Jax Fax bad team. The big story there is obviously Travis “Deer” Hunter, a crazy fella who thinks he can play almost full time on both offense and defense in the league. I’m rooting for him. Indiana’s QB situation was so dismal that Daniel Jones won the job. This is akin to allowing the guy who “only” drank 14 beers to be the designated driver, because everybody else is worse.

AFC NORTH

CINCY TIGER-MEN (1)
BALTIMORE BLACKBIRDS (5)
SHITTSBURGH SEXUAL PREDATORS
CLEVELAND LOSERS

Cincy’s been playin’ around a lot this offseason. They choose to neglect their defense while having a heckuva offense. I seem to recall some Packers teams that were built like that. The regular season went swimmingly, but I can’t quite remember what happened in the playoffs. I’m sure it’ll all work out. The Blackbirds have been rockin’ it the last few years. They signed former Packer Jaire Alexander. We cut him after he couldn’t stay healthy. Guess what? He’s still not healthy in Baltimore. I’m shocked! They gotta drain the goo out of his knee every other day. Speaking of former Packers, Shittsburgh has one of them. I think his name is Arvid Riggles or something. I’m finding a lot of ways to bring up the Packers in this section, sorry. I’m just excited for the ol’ Green and Gold! I’m as excited as Cleveland is decidedly -not-excited for football to begin. Things have been so bad for so long in Cleveland that we should set up some kind of dedicated crisis hotline for them as a public service.

AFC EAST

BUFFALO SOLDIER (2)
NEW ENGLAND FAWKIN’ WITCH HUNTAHS
MAMA MIA
NEW YORK 9/11S

Buffalo’s star runningback, James Cook, was involved in a bit of a legal kerfuffle this offseason and charged with breaking and entering a pet store. Authorities found him unconscious on the floor with about eighteen inches of a boa constrictor lodged in his esophagus. When he came to, he explained to the media “It’s just a part of my game. Every offseason, I eat a big snake. That’s how you have to attack training at this level. Snake wants to eat me, I eat him right back. That’s just how its done.” Cook is expected to be cleared for week one. New England’s new head coach is a former player for New England, a fellow by the name of Mike Vrabel. He oughta whip these whippersnappers into shape, but they’re still a year away from the postseason. Mama Mia’s modus operandi has been all about acquiring speed all over the field. Works great when you’re just cruising around in shorts and a fun beach hat in south Florida. Don’t work so well when those bitterly cold late-season games freeze your balls to your thigh. New York is the last stop on the Justin Fields redemption tour. Only he won’t be redeemed. He’ll be sent to a farm upstate. Then he will be just in fields. Heeheheehehehehehehahhaehahaheahehah….

PLAYOFFS
Wildcard Round
CAROLINA VAGINA (7) @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (2)
Green Bay cruises to a victory as Micah Parsons and Rashan Gary team up to literally tear Bryce Young in half. The long way.
WASHINGTON TOILET SALAMANDERS (6) @ TAMPON GAY FUCKIN’ QUEERS (3)
Baker says it’s a piece of cake.
MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN (5) @ LOS ANGELES CURLHORNS (4)
The Norsemen get revenge for last year’s playoff letdown. Stafford doesn’t get away with a ‘forward pass’ like that bullshit from last season. (I mean, I hate the Vikings but that was so stupid.)
HOUSTON JUICE ‘N GIN (7) @ BUFFALO SOLDIER (2)
James Cook begins Googling ‘playoff-size snakes’ before the fourth quarter even begins.
KANSAS CITY ARROWHEADS (6) @ COLORADO BROWN COWS (3)
Ding-dong, the witch is dead! Colorado finally slays Travis & Taylor’s dream of a Super Bowl Halftime Show Wedding.
BALTIMORE BLACKBIRDS (5) @ TENERSEE TARTANS (4)
Tenersee’s luck runs out as they are just outclassed by a superior roster.

Divisional Round
MINNEAPOLIS NORSEMEN (5) @ PHILLY VANILLY (1)
JJ McCarthy gets cranky because the game is past his bedtime and he throws a tantrum.
TAMPON GAY FUCKIN’ QUEERS (3) @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (2)
Jordan Love slices and dices this defense for 600 yards. In the first half.
BALTIMORE BLACKBIRDS (5) @ CINCY TIGER-MEN (1)
This game is a boat race, but the more well-rested Tiger-Men eke it out.
COLORADO BROWN COWS (3) @ BUFFALO SOLDIER (2)
Brandon Perna rejoices.

Conference Championships
GREEN BAY PACKERS (2) @ PHILLY VANILLY (1)
It’s a hard-fought, shitty weather type game. The game ends with Green Bay stuffing a Tush Push on 4th and goal.
COLORADO BROWN COWS (3) @ CINCY TIGER-MEN (1)
The announcers won’t stop talking about Mahomes for some reason.

Super Bowl LX
GREEN BAY PACKERS (2) @ CINCY TIGER-MEN (1)
As the green and yellow confetti falls all over, Love really does conquer all.

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So yeah, that’s a pretty long song that Irish bard sang. Probably pretty confusing to the ol’ cowpoke down in the saloon. But they probably couldn’t understand him because of his accent anyway.