Alright BeardBiteManners, today we’re gonna take a deep dive into architecture and settle once and for all, which is the best architectural style of all time!
So, first of all, what the heck is architecture? Wikipedia defines it as the aesthetic, structural, functional and stylistic choices used in the creation of permanent places of dwelling, commerce, or recreation for humans and also Greta Thunberg is a fat whore. Keep in mind, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone.
So what does Beard Bite Man think of architecture? It’s how buildings look, you clod! Here’s the rundown, ready or not, on the top five architectural styles of all time!
5. Brutalism
Brutalism generally took the form of governmental or giant corporate complexes post World War 2. Oft criticized now as “ugly” or “blocky” or “kinda like Minecraft”, these right-angled titans represented a sort of function-over-form simplicity. Both the Soviet Union and the United States did little bumps of brutalism, assuming that utilitarian life on earth would soon give way to the stars and space travel, once their empire triumphed. Instead they just turned into government housing where unspeakable crimes went unnoticed each day but I do kind of like the no-nonsense look of these big guys. Yeah, it’s the projects…now. But when spacemen were going to zap aliens with their ray-guns, life would be uniform and simple here.
4. Victorian
Uh-oh! If your house is haunted, it’s probably Victorian. Made to look church-like, with accoutrements and flourishes tackily pasted on every corner, this was the place to be if you were a brainless timber baron who thought that phrenology was cutting edge science. All wood and pointy, this kind of structure has nothing do with a man’s insecurities about his own penis.
3. Cave
Sometimes you gotta dance with the one that brought you. Caves were our first buildings, and I think we should honor that.
2. Mughal
India is a sub-continent, a world unto itself. A civilization outdating our Western understanding of the world by a good millennium. Monuments and lore dating back to time that dwarfs our American creation story that took place in 1776. Billions of people live there, and they sweat and strain and hope for a better future, just like you or I do. An elaborate history completely removed from my own understanding. A beautiful religion that stares into fractal recitations of our own reality and sees it all as temporary. Also, their buildings are like….whaaaaat?! Dude, the Taj Mahal looks like a boob, straight up, I’m not even joking.
- Ranch House
This is the real thing. Who doesn’t remember riding your bikes with your friends into the yard and then leaving them lay there?! A completely kids-only night. Maybe you’ll eat some pizza in the basement, maybe you’ll summon the devil. Who even gives a fuck? Ranch house is the best kind of house. You kids better be in bed by 10 PM and we said “Fuck you, you stupid asshole,” as we did Mario Kart 64. The mom said “Are you swearing at me!?” and then I said “No, retard,”. But the retard part was like way softer.
Leave a Reply